Stakeholder engagement is one of the most essential skills for any product person. Constantly, when I see “people who are good with people,” I think to myself, wow, they’d make a good product leader!
That’s no coincidence. It’s a core skill for building great products. I recently described product work as creating an experience that couldn’t exist otherwise. This isn’t a solo job. To make that happen, the product team has to collaborate with many other teams to shape, build, and inform clients about that experience.
Before we get into the techniques, there’s one critical mindset shift I want to highlight. If you skip this, no tactic will truly stick. Let’s start there.
Stop managing stakeholders, Start engaging them
I hear a lot of people talk about stakeholder management. And honestly, if that’s the framing, the game’s already off to a rough start.
That mindset treats stakeholders as people to “manage,” not as partners you can collaborate with.
Product is a collaborative effort that goes far beyond the product team. Inside the team, you’ve got engineering (owns feasibility), design (owns usability), and product (owns viability). Together, they own value. That setup is already complex, but it’s still not enough. It gets you a good product — then come all the other questions:
Who sells it? Sales.
Who tells the world about it? Marketing.
Who helps customers when they have issues? Support.
Who ensures we’re compliant? Legal.
Who gives us the money to spend? Finance.
You get the picture.
These departments aren’t people you need to “manage.” They’re people you get to collaborate with to make sure your product reaches the right people, delivers what they expect, and works for the business too.
This reframe might seem small, but it’s powerful. Every time you catch yourself saying “stakeholder management,” try switching it to engagement or collaboration. It’s a subtle shift that changes everything. I often remind clients what a privilege it is to work with such diverse perspectives to bring something meaningful to life.
Shuttle diplomacy: The quiet work that builds consensus
The term shuttle diplomacy came from Henry Kissinger in the 1970s, when he flew between Middle Eastern countries during the Cold War to help negotiate peace agreements without ever getting all the parties in the same room.
Now, I’m not suggesting your product organization is at war with other departments, but this approach can be surprisingly useful when tensions are high or alignment is scattered. It helps you:
Understand different perspectives and how they influence priorities
Learn from other teams to build a better outcome
Align stakeholders who may have competing needs
There’s a common misconception that this approach slows things down or limits creativity. In reality, it’s often the most effective way to ensure alignment, build understanding, and make sure the right voices shape the decision.
Here’s how to apply it in a product context:
◽️ Map your key stakeholders: who has influence or veto power
◽️ Schedule short pre-meeting conversations
◽️ Share your proposal and genuinely listen to concerns
◽️ Incorporate their feedback to strengthen your plan
◽️ Acknowledge their contributions publicly in the group discussion
Story time
A direct report once told me about a major product change he wanted to make. The experiment had gone well and the idea aligned with our goals but it would affect several core departments. He told me it seemed like too much work to align everyone and didn’t think it was necessary. I told him to think again.
He ultimately decided not to take that extra step. And to be fair, it wasn’t a catastrophic change. So I let him try it his way.
That Friday night was the first time a direct report ever called me at 8pm. He told me the meeting was a disaster. People felt blindsided. One even said they’d “had the rug pulled out from under them.” The confusion spread fast. Even the stakeholders who hadn’t been that concerned got pulled into the chaos.
I told him, you thought that other method was expensive? What’s really expensive is fixing the fallout. We worked out a new plan. He reframed, set the stage, held the real conversation and a month later, they finally got to where they needed to be. He never walked into a big meeting cold again.
Tennis vs frescobol: Play to rally, not to win
In tennis, you win by hitting a shot your opponent can’t return. In frescobol, the goal isn’t to score points. It’s to keep the rally going. You win by hitting well, by making it easier for the other person to respond.
This analogy captures the difference between playing to win and playing to rally. When working with stakeholders, your job is to rally. “Beating them” doesn’t mean you’ve succeeded — it usually means the opposite. Once you see that, the way you approach every conversation starts to shift.
One question I love asking clients is: What’s your intention with this?
It almost always reveals a genuine (and often great) desire that’s just masked by irritation, frustration, or impatience.
Then I’ll ask, Why do you want to say this? What are you trying to achieve?
They usually pause and say something like, “Oh wow... yeah, that wouldn’t land well.”
That moment of stepping back is the key. It’s how you shift from trying to win, to trying to sustain the rally. Because in stakeholder work, rallying is how you win.
I love this analogy so much I dedicated an entire newsletter to it. You can read more about it here.
Why drives the work: Give people context, not just instructions
When you’re working with people, they want to understand the why behind what they’re doing and you want them to understand it too.
Even though we’ve all heard this before (Simon Sinek’s TED talk is still one of the most watched ever), it’s natural to talk about the what and even the how first. The why often gets skipped entirely.
Why the why matters:
People do far better work when they understand the meaning and importance behind it
It shifts the conversation to outcomes, not just tasks
It gives people the context they need to suggest stronger solutions
One tip I often give clients is to say the why out loud to themselves before they explain it to anyone else. Sometimes, write it down. Then, ask: Why does that matter?
This helps make sure you’ve gotten to the real why — not just the surface-level what. Keep going until you hit something that would your stakeholders care. That’s your real why.
Once you have it, share it upfront. In a doc, in a kickoff, in a Slack. Don’t assume it’s obvious because it rarely is.
You’ll see the difference immediately in the questions people ask, the ideas they bring, and the energy they show up with.
Stakeholders speak different languages: Meet them where they are
Every discipline speaks a different language. Product, engineering, design, marketing, sales, legal — they all use different terminology, care about different things, and frame success in their own way.
Imagine you’re speaking English, one person responds in French, and another in German. Total confusion. That’s what it feels like when cross-functional teams don’t align on how they communicate.
As product people, that doesn’t work for us. We need input from all these disciplines to deliver products people love that also work for the business. That means it’s on us to adapt and to learn how each team thinks and what motivates them.
What drives engineering isn’t what drives marketing or sales. Understanding that is the first step. The second is adjusting how you show up: not just what you say, but how you say it. Speak to people in the way they prefer to engage. That’s how you make sure they can contribute at their best and how you make sure their contribution gets reflected in the product.
I often describe this shift using the difference between the golden rule and the diamond rule:
When you communicate in a way that resonates with others — based on what matters to them — you build alignment, speed, and trust. And that’s how strong products get built.
I’ve shared a lot in this newsletter about collaboration and the importance of working across disciplines to build exceptional products. To take it even further, here are four resources I often recommend to product leaders who want to level up how they engage with stakeholders:
How to Win Friends and Influence People
A timeless book on working with people, building trust, and getting along with almost anyone. It’s stayed relevant for a reason.
Written by a former FBI hostage negotiator, this completely changed how I think about negotiation. Practical, surprising, and one of the most entertaining business books I’ve read.
THE TED Talk that reframes communication around purpose. A great reminder to focus on the “why” behind your message—not just the “what.”
Podcast on Stakeholder Collaboration
Christian and Lea go deep on what it takes to engage stakeholders effectively. Packed with practical insights and golden nuggets.
If there’s an area I believe pays insane amounts of dividends for product leaders to focus on (for work and beyond work) it’s this one. Happy learning!