The game you’ve never heard of that taught me a better way to build alignment
Stop playing to win and start playing to rally!
I’ve been back in Brazil for a couple of weeks now, and in that time, I’ve been reminded of a sport on its beaches that doesn’t get broadcasted, ranked, or medaled. But it’s everywhere — early mornings, late afternoons, always in rhythm. Two people, two paddles, one ball.
It’s called Frescobol.
Unlike tennis, the goal isn’t to win a point. It’s to keep the ball in the air together for as long as possible. You don’t try to overpower. You don’t aim to catch the other person off guard. You aim to cooperate — to hit in a way that helps the other person return. The game works only if you both want it to. You play with a partner, not an opponent. You're co-creators of the rhythm that helps both of you win.
For most of my life, Frescobol lived in the background. A detail of home. The sound of summer. It wasn’t until a coaching session with a client last week that it became something else entirely. In the third coaching session with a senior product leader navigating organizational transformation, that image came rushing back. It became:
A mental model for transformation.
A reframe for what leadership actually demands.
When every conversation becomes a match to score
She came into the session after a long day — the kind of day where your body stays in the chair but you want to lie down somewhere quiet (and maybe even hide). She was preparing for yet another difficult conversation with a peer. Someone she respected, but also someone with whom her alignment had grown tense.
She was prepared: talking points in hand, structure clear, and a plan to stay composed and strategic — and ultimately to win her case. But as we role-played the conversation, I could feel the undertow.
There was no malice, but there was an edge, a mix of positioning and quiet defensiveness, with an undertone that this was a match to win rather than a moment to build something together. So I asked a simple question:
“What’s your goal in this conversation?”
She paused. “I want her to see the problem clearly. To understand why the structure’s not working and to align.”
It was honest and reasonable. But it also revealed the core tension: instead of preparing for a dialogue, she was preparing for a volley.
That’s when Frescobol came to mind.
From winning points to building rhythm
I told her about the game and how its purpose isn’t to score points but to sustain the play. You don’t win by hitting hard. You win by hitting well, by making it easier for the other person to respond. The real skill is a continuous exchange built on mutual trust and shared rhythm.
She leaned back in her chair. You could see it click.
“The skill isn’t hitting hard,” she repeated slowly. “It’s hitting in a way that helps the other person respond.”
As her posture shifted, the tension in her shoulders softened, and her voice steadied. A breakthrough had happened, not just in how she planned to approach the conversation but in how she understood what it really means to lead transformation.
Successful transformation requires a Frescobol mindset and approach
Most product leaders I coach are strong executors. They care deeply about their teams and know how to build alignment, ship work, and keep things moving — instincts that earn them trust and build momentum. In short, they’re awesome.
But at some point, they hit the edge of what clarity and coordination alone can solve. Real transformation requires more than follow-through; it requires strategy. And strategy rewards rhythm over control, a rhythm that comes not from command but from play.
In tennis, you win by hitting shots your opponent can’t return. In Frescobol, you win by setting up your partner to succeed. One earns you points. The other builds momentum. When you default to tennis, every hard conversation becomes a match to win. You come in armed with tactics — rebuttals, logic, bulletproof clarity. But the more you prepare to win, the more you risk breaking the rhythm that makes change possible.
Frescobol invites a different question:
“What would I say differently if my goal were to extend the rally, not win the point?”
That question changes how you show up:
You stop preparing to win the argument and start preparing to continue the relationship
You stop talking to be right and start talking to be useful
You stop structuring for defense and start designing for shared discovery
You stop fighting friction and start turning it into rhythm
In the end, transformation doesn’t happen when you win the point. It happens when you keep the rally going, together over the long term.
The paradox of product leadership: Competing together
When the product leader came back to our next session, she was energized. The conversation hadn’t gone smoothly, but it felt different. Instead of defending her position, she spent more time listening and asking questions. She acknowledged her peer’s intentions before discussing the structure that wasn’t working. That shift opened the door. Her peer shared more openly, and the tone changed from tense to collaborative.
Afterward, she said, “We’ve always prided ourselves on our competitive edge. But maybe now it’s time to do something else—to play Frescobol together.” Then she paused for a moment and added, “It sounds like a contradiction — being competitive and collaborative — but it’s also so beautiful.”
That paradox is where great leadership lives. You don’t stop being competitive; you direct that energy toward building the conditions where alignment becomes possible and progress can continue.
The rally is the point
Leadership rarely hinges on being right from the start. It comes from staying in the conversation long enough to create something better together. There’s no final score and no winner — only a rhythm you commit to sustaining.
So the next time tension rises — before the meeting, the conflict, or the email — ask yourself: Are you playing tennis, or are you playing Frescobol? Because the way you hit the ball shapes everything that follows.
If you made it this far, I bet one of these 2 things is happening:
You’re bought in, looking up Frescobol sets (just like my client did), and you’re ready to explore what playing for momentum really feels like.
You’re telling yourself that this sounds nice, but you’re still very skeptical about the seeming loss of control.
Honestly, as the competitive person I am and have always been — an ex-ballerina who was always on a competitive dance team — I used to love to win and saw winning as either me personally winning or having my idea adopted. It hurts to admit, but that was very much how I used to operate. Unlike winning a sport or a dance competition, though, this kind of win never felt as good. It felt empty because there was no real rallying around it. Over time, the competitive dancer in me became more of a Frescobol player. I realized that winning in product only truly felt like winning AND was possible when we did it as a team, and that required real buy-in!